Learning to forget

Fruit platter breakfast in bed
As poisonous as the after effects of lead
As lonesome as driving in New Jersey summer nights
Begone my phantoms, to forgotten roads set right

It's so hard isn't it, forgetting someone you have loved for what seemed to be the zenith of your life. My own relationship lasted about 6 months, and as short as that is in retrospect to many of you who have had relationships for over a year, for me it was more than I have had in the past. I come from a way of having the most difficulty of transitions. Simply moving from one spot of my life, as easy as moving from a cafe to home, just takes me a while. I think it's the comfort. I've never held onto relationships for long because I never felt comfortable with the change.

This time I didn't want to do that. Wonder (I'll name her that because I don't want to name her nor give her affectionate names I actually had) was different because it was actually a risk dating her. She was my resident, which had always been a resounding NO for me, I wasn't a Resident Assistant for the free housing, I really enjoyed my job and bringing out a community, so when I realized I liked her I was very, very hesitant. It didn't help that one of my residents, who I cared for a lot, had a huge crush on her. I didn't want to lose him and the respect of my floor. So I didn't do anything for a bit.

So why did I date her? I realized that I'm attracted to women for their kindness. I enjoyed watching her help her friends and floor mates out selflessly, I enjoyed that she actually cared about things. She went to my events and actually enjoyed them. Next, she was one of the few comforting aspects of my life. I ran around as Muslim Student Association President (which at the time just finished catering for 40_ people a day for 16 days straight and was on to the next thing, fundraising with the Iraqi Ambassador), Resident Assistant (baked for them for a majority of the weeks in the beginning of year and planned other events such as boating or Embassy Trick or Treating) and an SIS Mentor (which meant I was meaning with about 12 kids, providing advice, and working with my other roles to make sandwiches for the Homeless), and graduating a year early (which ironically was the least of my stresses, perhaps that's a bad thing). Coming home every night to my floor was my relaxation, and she was at the center of it all. I don't know, when you have someone like that, it's sorta hard to not realize it, although denying it initially was easy enough.

How did it happen, haha I notice that I'm writing this for myself so at least that's therapeutic, doubting that anyone will read this.

We used to go to sleep at the same time, which was whenever it the break of dawn to see who would sleep first. Eventually I would say I had to do hw and ask her if she wanted to do hw with me in my room. She said yes, but then she would promptly fall asleep. Haha, I wonder if she realized how confusing that was for me. I never touched her, I couldn't, still an RA, though I did stroke her hair once. She probably didn't think of it as any different, I am affectionate at least in hugs with other residents, though probably not like that.

So there I was in a pickle, not sure what to do at all and I don't remember the order but I called my best friend Andrew. He goes to school in upstate New York, and he gave me the best advice, "Tanim, just do what you want, not want others expect of you" or something of that sort. So I went with her to Capitol South, the first time I've really been, to see...well the Capitol, yes I never went before my Senior year. And then the night before she left, I kissed her.

The first kiss, when you're a guy who isn't a stud, towards a girl who you know might like you but you're not sure...that was the hardest part..

Anyway that was the beginning, the hardest part realizing 6 months later is that you have had good days and then remembering the current.

Fruit platter...she got me breakfast in bed on my birthday at a damn hotel next to my work. I don't think anyone's been that kind. But here I am now...finally realizing that she pulled off actual bitchiness (I had nothing but pleasant thoughts about her till recently), it feels like that food has been scratching at my throat. So here I am, driving in Jersey, and now I need to find the right road.