Monday, May 20, 2013

Humbling humility before God

Today was a bath day, yes there are days in the week (every other) that's designated bath day because I run out of water if I'm not too careful, which also meant prayer day for myself. Or in other words, I have no excuse not to.
So I walked to mosque and said my prayers. I said a few additional prayers to people I cared about, and then as I prepared to finish, I stopped.
I decided to say a prayer for myself.

I always thought, growing up, to say a prayer for myself, to do things for myself, was a selfish endeavor and I didn't deserve it.

But how selfish is it to admit that I think am beyond help?

I admire those who are independent and never needing counsel for themselves. Self-reliant, they seek to help others. As I continue onto my 12th month here in Kenya, I'm proud of the things I've done for myself here. But I'm also proud of the extraordinary gifts given to me by God or other people.

1. Getting hit by a motorcycle during training and not suffering any serious damage.
2. Meeting people who make the day go by quicker (and then wishing it went the opposite)
3. Having co-workers who make working as a volunteer extremely easy and rewarding.

Every since I first started learning to pray two years ago (and even before that in my own terms), I've prayed for safety and well being of others, but I was always too "humble" to ask for my own salvation, for my own happiness. But that's what it means to submit doesn't it? Putting your trust in God, and perhaps, other people?

It's okay to want things from yourself that isn't just ability. You don't have to be Mother Theresa or Gandhi, but are welcome to pursue the ideals they represent, but do realize that they themselves wanted too. Help others, I wouldn't be in the Peace Corps if some part of me didn't, but also remember that you yourself are someone with the same potential to be loved and saved by another if you're willing to be. Otherwise, all those prayers from others towards you will go deaf if you don't recognize that. Otherwise, by not recognizing that you're worth saving, all the love others feel towards you will go to the dark. It's not a weakness to recognize you're worthy, because if someone else tells you "you're beautiful", they say it upon an act of sincere strength, leaving it on you to have the courage and veracity of self character to bear it.

I'm not a humble person; though often I strove to be, leaving me wondering after every good deed why I felt empty and alone, not realizing that I was lying to myself that I didn't need to feel hope for myself, as long as I did my best to give it to others. I don't ask of myself now to feel good for the deeds that I do, but I ask myself to simply acknowledge that I'm a human being that wants to believe in himself and hope for good things to come to him as well as hope to put into action good acts for others. Beyond set ideologies, I think we tend to feel empty if we don't recognize that our own bodies are as vulnerable and powerful as of those we see and work with everyday. That emptiness links to the fear of never being capable of being loved, which I assure you, distant friends across the seas, especially to those I talk to closely, you certainly are, and so am I. You just have to remember that you have similar needs to those you give your effort towards loving. If they need/desire to be loved, so do you, if they need to be saved, to a certain capacity, so do you,
If they need, if they want, if they are saints, if they are devils, if they are animals, atoms, electrons, billions of God particles in need of billions of other God particles to exchange emotions uncountable and inestimable.
Then so are you.

So friend, I will pray for you, but I will pray for me too, and I hope you too, recognize how worthy you are as well and pray for yourself in your own way.