Today I felt really hurt and angry, not at this country at all, but just at myself.
I went to an interview and like a fool went on a whim because of a connection. The foolish part wasn't the help given to me to find this internship, but the fact I didn't do any research. It was for a financial firm, and the interviewer himself had no idea why I would want to do it. I didn't either...though I am interested in learning about Bangladesh's financial market. Ugh. And my Bangla, I made the mistake of say "tumi" rather than "apne", which to non Bangla speakers, the former is intimate and the latter is formal. The boss man took one look at me and I just felt like a prisoner. It wasn't him, it was me.
I graduated, and felt useless, I went home, and felt more useless, and I'm here and not am I useless, but illiterate and physically frail here.
Ah, I'm not disheartened, I want to be here, I want to suffer and get through it. I want to say I was able to go through it, but dear, I just don't know my direction right now, or where or what I want to do with my life, it's confusing. Every non brown person tells me this is normal, every Bangali basically looks at me and wonders why I'm not working. It's no one's fault, it's mine. Please if you're reading this and thinking I bear ill will, it's not that. I'm just confused I guess.
I came home so angry, embracing the anger like an old friend. Bitterness has been a daily ritual in my cup it seems since the summer and it's only been brewing more and more. It takes me a while to get angry, not because I'm not sensitive (the opposite), it just doesn't kick in until afterwards.
I got accused of calling someone something yesterday publicly and it stung, because I've given that person no ill will. I thought I did everything pleasant, did everything genuine, but somehow struck the wrong chord. What I wrote that was interpreted differently...what was the truth on my end was unread to another's vision. For that I am sorry, but upset too. Just like my anger today, it just creeps and creeps that much later, a day in this end, or a two in that end, just makes me bitter and upset.
Again, this isn't blaming anyone, it's just be word vomiting. In the end, this, like my other anxiety laden posts, are just canon fodder to better thoughts. Misconstrue it to what you will, I think I'm just sensitive to things.
Everyone my age seems to be thinking no one pays attention to them, then they end up paying attention to themselves, then their friends start from the beginning of that cycle. No matter how much their friends try to give those people attention it doesn't work, they need something on for themselves, to really enjoy it, or get some passion out of something, you're not a bad friend, nor are they, but transitions are tough, and if you realize you are learning to love yourself, it's a beautiful natural thing. Please continue to do so, and eventually we'll learn to love again other things that show a better world view as adults hopefully.
Much love and peace be upon you.
No comments:
Post a Comment