I wrote this some time before I left. I wonder how different I'll feel.
I'm numb in many ways, meaning I must have been too sensitive and sheltered before then. I had desired to be a good person for as long as I remembered, and now when I think of the sandwiches I made for the houseless, I feel only regret that I don't feel anything for helping like that again.
I think that's why I did make sandwiches originally, to feel good about doing something. But like any other forms of stimulation, I developed that Dr. Feelgood tolerance...and now I just want to feel real happiness.
But to do that, I need a slap in the face. Live away from support and prop myself up. If I can't suffer life at it's most real, how can I feel anything else? Shock and awe; being an RA, being a fire fighter, being a Peace Corps Volunteer.
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