So someone left the group on Friday, and it's taken me more than a bit to just process it.
I realized, it was less about the person herself, as great as a person she seemed to be, and more about the realization that Plan B in a realistic, and for some, a more viable option.
I think what struck me the most is how much I don't want to be reminded that I miss home, and that by missing it I'd give up a piece of myself and feel, I don't know, weak. That's really the not a healthy way to look at it, and to actually decide to leave the Peace Corps and Kenya must have taken a lot of courage, especially when you just said good bye to people a month ago.
But that aside, I am determined to be of some use to America, and more directly, Kenya. But considering that this post is supposed to be therapeutic in some way, I will admit to things that I miss.
1. Friendships: I always took it for granted that I can find and connect with people anywhere in the world. I found friendships in high school, college, Bangladesh, but for some reason, sometimes I just feel like there is no one I can be comfortable with here. Though I came to the realization before Kenya that I'm never really comfortable with most people, I usually can at least feel some ease. I think it's more of a me thing rather than the people around me. I'm more or less on edge all the time, aware of my money, safety, and being on my own.
2. Family: But that's a given
That's actually really it, surprisingly. I find myself missing Bangladesh actually more than America, just for the feeling of being with extended family and also the freedom of just being able to move around and eat kabobs whenever I feel like it. The food choices here, although not terrible, don't have much variety. Often times it will be something just mashed up together and served dry, not exactly my cup of tea.
Eh that wasn't really therapeutic, maybe because I know that this blog is public and intentionally so.
Things I realized about myself since coming to Kenya
1. Materialism: Man I used to not care that much about things I wanted in America, mostly because the things I really wanted were a given. Such as toilets! I miss toilets! I miss just sitting on one and not having to think (and as a result thinking about everything wonderfully superfluous, or reading, I miss that!). Here, the squats suck! I feel like a princess complaining about them, but I guess that's my pet peeve. I once went to a cho (their term for pit latrine), and saw that someone missed, which is normal sadly, but that wasn't the worse part. A whole gang of cockroaches, seeing how frightened I am of poop near my feet, decide to just chew on the poop till its gone. That was just a wonder flavoring don't you think? So yes, I'm materialistic about toilets.
2. Being a money hoarder: Freak, I get some weird enjoyment knowing that I saved money. Not because I want to spend it, because the only things I really buy are minutes for my phone, food, and chocolate (alcohol is the big expense here for most PCs, but chocolate is double price!!), but just so I know I saved. I need to find a bank to deposit this money so I don't have to stare at the fact that I'm saving. It makes me feel like Scrooge McDuck.
3. Fashion: I am not the most fashionable person in the world, but maybe it's a product of my prep school days and it's definitely a result of my mother and brother spoiling me with nice clothes (I don't think I've ever really shopped for clothes on my own), but for some reason, I get a keen enjoyment in wearing dress shirts. Not just because it's a nice thing to wear, but the very idea of putting on a shirt, one arm at a time, the feeling on my skin, and just buttoning up. Then putting on a jacket and sunglasses. I guess these last points all tie into the first point.
4. Nostalgia: The things you'll find on my person at any given time vary only slightly. If you somehow run into me in Kenya I can guarantee you that you I will be wearing one, if not all of these things:
a. My blue jeans jacket: I think about Bangladesh whenever I wear this jacket, sometimes I just wear it to sleep because I feel comfortable in it.
b. My father's golden aviators: Made in the early 80s, these sunglasses are older than even my brother, they are so old that as my brother quips "they went back in style". I wore these in Bangladesh, and fancy that another Awwal is wearing them as he travels around the world.
c. Grandma's prayer beads: I wear them around my hand less often than I did in Bangladesh, for they are fragile, but I still keep them on me.
d. Firefighter bracelet: A bracelet that can turn into 6 feet of life safety rope, David Hayashida gave it to me at the Fire Academy, and I still hold onto it just in case.
e. Small flashlight: A close friend gave it to me, a close ex friend though. I still use it though
f. Green utility knife: Same as the above, except switch it to ex girlfriend.
g. Leatherman: If I don't carry the green knife or a smaller one that my dad gave me, I'll carry Haithem's leatherman. But because it's so nice, I'm more afraid to take it out.
h. Checkered black and white scarf: Nostalgically, it reminds me of my MSA days, when we used to sell them, though I bought this one in Bangladesh. Realistically, it's good for protecting against wind, though terrible for crossing checkpoints because it makes me look Somali :(
Things that are still the same
1. Sunsets and sunrises: The times when you'll see me stop on the road are early in the morning around 7 am and in the early evening around 6 pm. It's breathless here, along with Kilimanjaro and the fact that the clouds hang so low here, I love it, as I have for the last two to three years, and I hope I will continue to love it.
2. Prayer still makes me calm: Ever since thinking about "the cup should be empty", my realization of the feeling I get after prayer makes more since. Sometimes when I'm lost, I enter the mosque (or mosquiti in Kiswahili) and pray. It makes me calm, and people that greet me with a traditional Muslim greeting reminds me of my faith being larger than just home. It's nice.
3. Poetry and music: I still write and still sing. Maybe it's become now more of a form of venting than expression, because I certainly did lament my thoughts out on Friday when I came home. But I now have a newfound sense of being able to sing for strangers. I'll sing in Kiswahili and that's another way I gain confidence in the language.
4. My principles: Courage, leadership, integrity, Grace, and Zen
They are my constants after God, and that's why I am still me.
God bless you all
Tanim
I realized, it was less about the person herself, as great as a person she seemed to be, and more about the realization that Plan B in a realistic, and for some, a more viable option.
I think what struck me the most is how much I don't want to be reminded that I miss home, and that by missing it I'd give up a piece of myself and feel, I don't know, weak. That's really the not a healthy way to look at it, and to actually decide to leave the Peace Corps and Kenya must have taken a lot of courage, especially when you just said good bye to people a month ago.
But that aside, I am determined to be of some use to America, and more directly, Kenya. But considering that this post is supposed to be therapeutic in some way, I will admit to things that I miss.
1. Friendships: I always took it for granted that I can find and connect with people anywhere in the world. I found friendships in high school, college, Bangladesh, but for some reason, sometimes I just feel like there is no one I can be comfortable with here. Though I came to the realization before Kenya that I'm never really comfortable with most people, I usually can at least feel some ease. I think it's more of a me thing rather than the people around me. I'm more or less on edge all the time, aware of my money, safety, and being on my own.
2. Family: But that's a given
That's actually really it, surprisingly. I find myself missing Bangladesh actually more than America, just for the feeling of being with extended family and also the freedom of just being able to move around and eat kabobs whenever I feel like it. The food choices here, although not terrible, don't have much variety. Often times it will be something just mashed up together and served dry, not exactly my cup of tea.
Eh that wasn't really therapeutic, maybe because I know that this blog is public and intentionally so.
Things I realized about myself since coming to Kenya
1. Materialism: Man I used to not care that much about things I wanted in America, mostly because the things I really wanted were a given. Such as toilets! I miss toilets! I miss just sitting on one and not having to think (and as a result thinking about everything wonderfully superfluous, or reading, I miss that!). Here, the squats suck! I feel like a princess complaining about them, but I guess that's my pet peeve. I once went to a cho (their term for pit latrine), and saw that someone missed, which is normal sadly, but that wasn't the worse part. A whole gang of cockroaches, seeing how frightened I am of poop near my feet, decide to just chew on the poop till its gone. That was just a wonder flavoring don't you think? So yes, I'm materialistic about toilets.
2. Being a money hoarder: Freak, I get some weird enjoyment knowing that I saved money. Not because I want to spend it, because the only things I really buy are minutes for my phone, food, and chocolate (alcohol is the big expense here for most PCs, but chocolate is double price!!), but just so I know I saved. I need to find a bank to deposit this money so I don't have to stare at the fact that I'm saving. It makes me feel like Scrooge McDuck.
3. Fashion: I am not the most fashionable person in the world, but maybe it's a product of my prep school days and it's definitely a result of my mother and brother spoiling me with nice clothes (I don't think I've ever really shopped for clothes on my own), but for some reason, I get a keen enjoyment in wearing dress shirts. Not just because it's a nice thing to wear, but the very idea of putting on a shirt, one arm at a time, the feeling on my skin, and just buttoning up. Then putting on a jacket and sunglasses. I guess these last points all tie into the first point.
4. Nostalgia: The things you'll find on my person at any given time vary only slightly. If you somehow run into me in Kenya I can guarantee you that you I will be wearing one, if not all of these things:
a. My blue jeans jacket: I think about Bangladesh whenever I wear this jacket, sometimes I just wear it to sleep because I feel comfortable in it.
b. My father's golden aviators: Made in the early 80s, these sunglasses are older than even my brother, they are so old that as my brother quips "they went back in style". I wore these in Bangladesh, and fancy that another Awwal is wearing them as he travels around the world.
c. Grandma's prayer beads: I wear them around my hand less often than I did in Bangladesh, for they are fragile, but I still keep them on me.
d. Firefighter bracelet: A bracelet that can turn into 6 feet of life safety rope, David Hayashida gave it to me at the Fire Academy, and I still hold onto it just in case.
e. Small flashlight: A close friend gave it to me, a close ex friend though. I still use it though
f. Green utility knife: Same as the above, except switch it to ex girlfriend.
g. Leatherman: If I don't carry the green knife or a smaller one that my dad gave me, I'll carry Haithem's leatherman. But because it's so nice, I'm more afraid to take it out.
h. Checkered black and white scarf: Nostalgically, it reminds me of my MSA days, when we used to sell them, though I bought this one in Bangladesh. Realistically, it's good for protecting against wind, though terrible for crossing checkpoints because it makes me look Somali :(
Things that are still the same
1. Sunsets and sunrises: The times when you'll see me stop on the road are early in the morning around 7 am and in the early evening around 6 pm. It's breathless here, along with Kilimanjaro and the fact that the clouds hang so low here, I love it, as I have for the last two to three years, and I hope I will continue to love it.
2. Prayer still makes me calm: Ever since thinking about "the cup should be empty", my realization of the feeling I get after prayer makes more since. Sometimes when I'm lost, I enter the mosque (or mosquiti in Kiswahili) and pray. It makes me calm, and people that greet me with a traditional Muslim greeting reminds me of my faith being larger than just home. It's nice.
3. Poetry and music: I still write and still sing. Maybe it's become now more of a form of venting than expression, because I certainly did lament my thoughts out on Friday when I came home. But I now have a newfound sense of being able to sing for strangers. I'll sing in Kiswahili and that's another way I gain confidence in the language.
4. My principles: Courage, leadership, integrity, Grace, and Zen
They are my constants after God, and that's why I am still me.
God bless you all
Tanim
No comments:
Post a Comment