Learning to Say No: What It Could Mean to Be A Man

            "Chivalry is dead" is a statement I hear over and over again among the numerous friend circles I've kept in my short life. Often times I hear it in exasperation by my female friends over rude or selfish behavior they've experienced by men in their personal life, though recently I've heard it in anger towards men who hold the door only because the other person was female.

            This blog post is not directed in anyway to the gender not my own, and for that I apologize for the exclusion. The majority of times the female gender is excluded in the worst way, which is why I'm grateful for programs such as Camp GLOW (Girls Lead Our World) within Kenya that help young girls explore their right to self expression, both reproductively and socially. A young woman has and should always have the right to have control over her own body, and often times, the pressures of my gender override that freedom in a terrible and cruel way. Self-esteem, early pregnancies, and HIV infections are blatant indicators not just within Kenya, but throughout the world, in "developing" and "developed" nations alike.

            No, this blog post is dedicated to the question I was asked by my Kenyan friend, a teacher and advocate of young girls, and a topic I will have to teach at the upcoming Camp MAP (Men As Partners) in April.

"What does it mean to be a man"?

Sagalla Youth Officers striking a pose in the bush

            Immediately things that come to mind are stereotypical "being strong, being a leader, never backing down", change that to being a "healthy man", "supporting his wife/lover, being respectful, controlling his 'urges'".

             "Urges", let's get back to that later, but I want you to think about the themes. Often times, in defining what it means to be a man, we define it in relation to others, to our friends, to our peers, to our family, to women, to our lovers. There's a reason for this, because men are often the perpetrators on violence towards women and men, we define them by how they act. Now onto "urges":

            You're in a bar with friends, and your friends are drinking heavily, they tell you to take a shot of whiskey with them. You say no, knowing that you don't enjoy being heavily intoxicated, they tell you to "be a man" and drink with them...you say yes, and say yes again and again.

            You become so intoxicated you're not really moving right, there's a woman in the table across the room, your friends tell you to "go for it" even though you've not only never met her, but you can't even quite see her clearly. You don't think twice, because why shouldn't you? You're strong, handsome, you work out, you go up to her...and she rejects you coldly, because rightfully, you smell like you've drank too much and the stench is not attractive to her. Your friends are watching you and they make fun of you for striking out, for not being "man enough", not being assertive, confident, cool. You get angry, you try again, the woman turns you down angrily, calling you disgusting for, again rightfully, harassing her.

            You feel alone, isolated, a joke, you get angry, what do you do? You're wrong, you've done badly, you've drank too much, you just want to make the hurt go away. One of your friends keeps on letting you have it, and then you let him have it. You black out and several hours later you come to in a jail, you've just hurt your friend, he's missing teeth, and no one is there for you, what an asshole.

            Where was the manliness in drinking more than you wanted? Hitting on someone you couldn't even see clearly? Disfiguring the face of someone you cared for? Ending up in jail for crime? That situation is real, as men we're told to "go for it", be up for anything, sleep with anyone as long as she's attractive "enough", but these actions are not based on inherent urges that we have to reign in, it's based on actively adhering to a definition not in line with our own. It's a conscious decision, not a gross quality of manhood.

 The youth center was built primary on the volunteer
 labor of the local boys football groups,
 males continue to be the most elusive target audience for the health center

Gender and Development Committee Members Khalil Jarrett
and Max Mann gathering data for an upcoming meeting

        
  Simply, if you let your definition of yourself be defined by others, your actions will not necessarily be your own. In Peace Corps we teach girls to be independent, to take control of their actions, it's extremely necessary to teach boys to do the same in relation not just to society, but to themselves as well.

            It's important not to just admonish them against gender based violence, but discover what the pressures are towards that. How many troubled young men grew up with abuse, absent fathers, or extreme poverty? Those prone to violent and self abusive actions will not stop if you ask them "to stop", because sure enough, someone closer to them has been telling them all their lives "to go".

            On a basic level, I believe most of us as human beings want to be wanted, and be accepted, emotionally and physically. However, the focus on men, in terms of valuable aspects has historically leaned on the latter. I grew up to those being praised for their athleticism, those being popular for their handsome features. I worked out everyday to get those fabled six pack abs just to realize that even afterwards, I wanted someone else to praise them. It wasn't enough to be healthy, I needed someone to validate my body.

The winning football team at the Sagalla Kick Out Malaria Tournament, April 2013.
Who knows what challenges lay ahead for them?

             Growing up, I've been praised less for being emotionally secure, giving and expressive and admonished more to "take it like a man". I've played games where we punch each other on the arm to see who can handle the pain, done push up contests, and participated in sports just to adhere to some form of contest. Even if you are naturally expressive, you quickly let yourself believe (rightly or wrongly) that women favor the "strong" around you, and you learn to emotionally close up. In fact you'll hear men complain that "nice guys finish last" based on their experience that if they are to be wanted by a woman physically, they cannot show levels of openness that would make them "nice", and hence "friend-zoned".

            And there is the problem, again, I am addressing my gender, we aimed at being "nice" with the ultimate goal of being wanted, and we veer on the physical side of sex and courtship as the "prize". Why must the goal be physical pleasure no matter what your personality is like. Why is not attaining friendship just for an emotional connection considered valuable with a female?

    

Sagalla Youth Nicholas Mwavula finally knows his status.
 A star footballer, he's currently making it on his own in Mombasa

       As human beings, being open emotionally, being healthy physically, is not just for the express service of acceptance. Often times, without acceptance of yourself, being wanted becomes more of a dependence than a boon to your personality. Women should not be a "thing" to be obtained, because that skew your priorities in how you view people as well as how you view yourself.

            So what do you do when you're at that bar with your friends who are trying to have a good time?

            This is where the title comes from, learn to say no if you truly don't want to.

Public Health Officer Godrick Mwachofi lost his father at an early age,
 earning his way as a teenager to fund his schooling. 

            Say no to that shot because you don't always enjoy being wasted and losing control. Say no to hitting on a woman you have no real desire for. Say no to the angry impulses inside you because you know you truly don't want to hurt the people you care for.

            Say no when someone tells you to "be a man" because who you are is up to you,  and no one else, including your friends and your family, has the right to define you. You have the right to be selective, you have the right to your body image, you have the right to the pursuit of your passions, you have the right to be you.

            What you don't have a right to is to harm others, including those you love, or strangers, and if you do, the law has the right to prosecute you, and I say this because you have the right to control your life so no one else coerces you into habits or actions you don't want.

Sagalla Super Star Prince Darling right before
performing his music in front of a crowd of hundreds.

            Yes, it's okay to be wanted, but if you cannot find what you want from yourself and specifically from others, is it okay to say yes to those you truly don't care for? If you say yes without a condom to someone you have no intention of being serious with, will you truly be happy in case you contract HIV or an STI? What if the person you were with ends up pregnant, will you be willing to raise a child with the type of love you believe you yourself deserve?

            Because when I ask you, "what does it mean to be a man"? I am daring you to answer back with a vision of the type of man you want to be, I want someone to object to that as "unrealistic" and I want you to prove them wrong. Because you are capable of being who you want to be, regardless of gender definitions, you're capable of saying no to what you don't want, and saying yes to what you truly desire. But you have to know that desire and you have to put yourself in a position to actualize it friend. If you're friends are putting you down, you can say no to their company if it's a detriment, if you are being rejected by the women you like because they would rather date someone else different, you don't have to be that someone else, because it is not a crime to be loved for you. It's not a crime to be successful for being you...and being your own man.

Sagalla Youth Joseph pointing beyond the distance as he just finished his climb of Sagalla's tallest peak, I wonder what he'll learn at the upcoming boy's camp next week?

            It  won't be easy, but finding the road less traveled is never easy, in the end, isn't life worth the muscles we have gained when we get to our destination? Let your own legs take you to where you must go and rely not on the transportation of those who would steer you away.

Peace be upon you,

Tanim Awwal

   March 24th, 2014

May this cute weirdo never change..
.although ironically he's named after Barack Obama

Advice I'd give to my son, nephew, or a younger man years from now

Being 23, on your own, as a growing adult male is a battle of self deception.
As I grew up, I forgot the point where I was me

and trying to make sure I was who I was supposed to be. In the clouds until I was 12, I faced a very stark fear that I was supposed to be something more and I'm grateful to have both my father and brother as examples of what to look for.
Now I've lived in Kenya for a year on my own; and have seen a set of gender norms placed and realize that while being a man is fluid, the idea of a man often is not in society. Often, the darker perceptions are perpetuated by my own gender and it's a shame. Misogyny, male to male violence, homophobia, these are things you may have to face in its many forms among the men around you as a man, but they don't have to be your truths.
I won't be young forever; I won't be forgiven for the mistakes I keep on making, but I hope to be redeemed by the realizations I've started actuating.




Everything on the internet seems to last forever; and I want this to last for when I become an influence on young men years from now, they'll know I thought of this when I was their age. And when you read this; you know that I write this because I love you and that right now, I realize it's okay to love myself and the person I want to be. Note, a lot of this is based on relationships because I'm at the point where I am learning what makes me comfortable when it comes to be being with others, something I believe you at this age have also started wondering for yourself. Also, I'm going to post pictures of good men in my life who remind me of what it is to be a man in the 21st century. Finally, when I first wrote this, I realized I only wrote from a heterosexual perspective, and I want you to know, though I write in terms of your partner as she, it's only because my experiences are stemming from the opposite sex. I pray to God that the present you are living in sees no distinction in you based on who you love. Because, I love you for you, and will always do so.

And then you can truly value others like Godrick Mwachofi
Public Health Officer of Sagalla

1. Value yourself: No, don't take a look in the mirror and see how large your biceps are or the white of your teeth, value your character. Value that you're a person worth talking to, and worth making your own choices. Most importantly, you're allowed to say no. You don't have to be an alpha and be fearless to all stimuli. You don't have to say yes to the idea that you need to sleep around to prove your worth. Ultimately, say no to the things you don't see making you the person you want to be, so that you may have room to say yes to the opportunities you want.



2. Value women for their hearts and dreams over their bodies. Yes, there will be a pressure to objectify, but what really comes out of that? What will you gain for enjoying the moment if you can't connect on a different level. Will your pursuit of the now have the depth and meaning you really want? Everyone wants to be loved, but will you love yourself, or let yourself feel loved, if you do not try to do the same? I've found, that once I stopped looking for the momentary comfort, once I learned to say no, I was able to appreciate the women in my life further. Value women as you value men, for their insight, for their ability to accept your trust, for how they make you grow, and I guarantee you will find what you're looking for in the long run.

Masaki is one of the most independent and free people I know

3. Know that no one can give you what you want (nor can you find it outside your own heart): Dating someone to complete you leads to disappointment. Dating someone you can appreciate for her own values rather than what she can offer you is more rewarding and open to growth. Many people will make you comfortable, but very few people will challenge you to become the type of person you want to be. Emphasis on the "you". Only when you make the decision to actively make yourself happy will you ever feel right with someone else.

It's not just about talking either
Right Andrew?

4. Communication: Being mature individually is different than having relationship maturity. I can't stress this enough, being in a relationship, whether it's a friendship or more, involves good communication, a willingness to give and take, as well as figuring out your limits. Giving yourself away completely without valuing yourself does not make you the ideal man, and definitely not the opposite neither. Without established ways of conflict resolution, two great people will fail. Talking, appreciating, and respecting goes a long way. Remember this when you choose your friends in college, because you'll want to be with the people who make you passionate, but if you can't figure out what you are looking for then be careful of the burn out. It's painful, romantic or not.

5 Sex ultimately brings forth the idea of making children, and it's a beautiful thing. It's not just messy fluids. Ultimately, it's a gift you can choose to offer or not. It's not just something to do. That being said, it's okay to have sex, but think whether you are able enough to appreciate the possible result. And even if you can't actually make children, by physical limitations, appreciate the real symbol of what you are doing. Because again I stress this, value yourself, whoever you choose to be intimate with, are they really the person you're willing to be with in the long run? If not, remember that your choices are yours, and they can be wonderful as long as you remember what you have to offer is wonderful. If my son is reading this; know that this fact influenced my eventual growth into who I am now, and that I wanted to be in a position where I can value you with the right partner. I started saying no here in Kenya, and I found that it made me a stronger man, because by saying no to sex, I said yes to love.

6. Take time to please her. It's not about getting off. Loving someone really is about learning to give. Invest in giving

7. If you're only looking for the short term, ask yourself why? Will it develop you into the man you want to be or give you excuses for excess because ultimately...

Senegal, September 2013

8. Be you're heroic self: Remember your childhood? Be the type of man you always imagined you would. Be a knight in shining armor, a ninja in the shadows, a cowboy riding to the West. Slay the countless enemies of your heart, and live, live to see the fruits of your labor. Because this is your life and why shouldn't you strive to be emotionally brave, intelligent, strong and downright larger than life? For that, I will always support and love you in your endeavors.

Machakos, August 2013

Remember, don't let anyone else tell you who you are. Because you're just not a man you are...as I'll show through my dear friend Adam Lin, a Peace Corps Volunteer who was a school teacher in the South Coast of Kenya. Like Adam, you too can be

An Artist

A Brother

A Role Model

And of course, a BAD ASS

 Remember, I love you, remember that a lot of the things I do are because I am starting to value myself, and just as importantly, want to become the man that you can rely on. A real example in a world where the only men you see on screens are athletes, rappers, and actors, all of which are just images in a confusing moving picture. Though I can only give you images of what I was, here are more examples of men that I am grateful in knowing, and that give me the strength to continue being the man I want to be. Peace be upon you.

Love always,

Tanim

November, 2013

Sean Berry, the first person I was comfortable with
in the Hills of Taita

Dave McCoy, who taught me
"Everyone is a teacher"

Haithem Hammad, taught me what it meant to be
an Artlessly True Muslim.

Graham Salinger, PCV Ukraine, my best friend in DC
Taught me friendship is limitless in the face of love

Maxwell Guen: My friend for life

Scott Berman: A man who helped me learn to care, and
care to learn

Dan Pennington: When I came back to the US this year, he drove to see me, I am honored to be valued by him

TK, I value him utmost for his character and honesty. Once you meet people like him, strive to never let them go.

Why I love Islam in this modern era

As we were climbing up the hills back to Sagalla, wind in our faces, cleaving dust into our eyes, somewhere among the countless turns and passes by larger trucks and vehicles, I looked into the stars.
Stars as wondrous as reality intended, unfaded by lack of artificial light, clear as only a mountain view can afford.
I thought "If I were to die right now, by some freak turn of events, this would be the last memory embedded in my heart"
And then I thought of our beloved Prophet, Peace be upon him, and how the entirety of the Quran was lodged in his heart, and how those passages kept him company even as he awaited every man's fate.

"La Ilahah, Illalahu, Muhamadur Rasoolilah"
"There is no God but Allah, and Muhammad is His Messenger"

That was the first thing lodged in my heart at that moment, as the cold air swept my face, and it hit me as physically as the gust.
The Prophet represents the best in us, for we are just as human.
For there is truth, God, and then there is a human, Muhammad, worthy to be His Messenger.
We too can have the Quran in our heart.
Along with it sayings such as

"Because God will never change the Grace which He has bestowed on a people until they change what is in their own soul: and verily God is He Who hears and knows all things" Surah 8, verse 53

"To each is a goal to which God turns him; then strive together (as in a race) toward all that is good. Wheresoever you are, God will bring you together. For God has power over all things" Surah 2, verse 148.

How is that not a blessing, when you are at your last breath, you can recall such verses in your heart, and because they are in your heart, they become a feeling.
A feeling from God.


Do you remember that God taught the Prophet Adam "the names of all things", the ability to understand the world for what it is.
Do you remember when the Prophet Abraham was deciding what he should worship? He wanted to worship the moon, sun, stars. But then he realized things for what they were, physical phenomena, and that is not the entirety of God.
Do you remember how God told us, when we die "That God may reward them (the doers of good) according to the best of their deeds..." Surah 24, verse 28. We will literally shine from the good we do, from the sparks in our hearts.
This is why I love being a Muslim in the modern world.

A world where these is reason, acceptance of science, and sadly, much need of love. For that I love the words in my heart, I love knowing that the sky is as beautiful as my life is fleeting. I love knowing that even if that is the truth, spending the few moments of my time loving makes this test bearable.
I love knowing that I must deserve Heaven, not expect it, though I know I am worthy.

I love knowing that my heart was broken the day Ambassador Chris Stevens died.


He was a volunteer as well, in Morocco, before his time in the Foreign Service. He taught children English, little boys and little girls. He did God's work because he was a human being that cared. And he died of smoke inhalation, which is basically burning from the inside out. That was his fate.
His pain, this is the pain that a few can bring when they take advantage of a situation.

Is that the love that was from our Prophet, is that Islam since its inception?


"Muhammad is no more than a Messenger: many were the Messengers that passed away before him. If he died or were slain, will you turn your back on your heels? If any did turn back on his heels, not the least harm will he do to God: but God (on the other hand will swiftly reward those who (serve Him) with gratitude." Surah 3, verse 144.


He had the words of God in his heart, and like any other Messenger, he warrants respect, not for being an otherworldly being, but for being one of us, and still standing for what is good. Now, do we turn back our heels? No.

"From whensoever you start forth, turn your face in the direction of the Sacred Mosque; that is indeed the truth from your lord. And God is not unmindful of what you do". Surah 2, verse 149.

My friends, I love  Islam in the modern times because this is a time of reason, science, and a need for empathy. Empathy for our friends, our community, and the people who are so emotionally broke that they  use guns and explosives to show their pain. We are the Muslims who know one need not be Muslim to listen to God, and that one may not listen to God even if he is Muslim.
Let's rectify that, bit by bit, within our own lives. We can do it by putting more of God's words in our heart, turning it into feelings of love, and letting those feelings out to our fellow brothers and sisters.

Show them the Rope that we hold onto so dearly.
God bless you and I love you all.