Exactly a year ago I was on my way out from Bangladesh.
I spent four months there in transition from the last three years spent in American University, studying International Relations, developing leadership and community engagement abilities through working the Muslim Student Association and American University House and Dining Programs.
I was horrified I think, for lack of more fancy terms, of the future ahead.
It wasn't an issue of masculinity, potency, or even wonder about what I actually what I wanted to do.
It was the fear of the transition.
I always feared transition, I put it as number 5 within my top fears of
1. Feeling useless
2. Being weak
3. Losing integrity
4. Losing a sense of compassion
5. Transitions
I waited exactly 16 months to leave for the Peace Corps, but back then in January 11, 2012, I would have to wait two months and 24 days to even find out that I was assigned to Kenya. That was the day, April 4th, 2012, that I finished my Firefighter Level 1 exam, the month before being sent reading over a 1000 pages and countless hours on the field because the month after I came back from Bangladesh, I stepped into the Monmouth Junction Fire Department and said I wanted to sign up (fear number 2)
I found out a few days ago that there might be the possibility of violence March in Kenya because of the elections. Without violating anything security wise, I'll tell you that in 2007, when there were elections in 2007, tribal violence wrecked the country, and more selfishly, Peace Corps Kenya was evacuated.
Rather than wondering about the state of Kenya, where people will most probably lose their lives (shaming me right now, fear number 4), I'm thinking about fear number 5, transitions.
I don't know if I love Kenya, but I love doing work here, I love being effective.
I helped motivate a group of over 76 people to desilt a dam, I taught over 546 people water sanitation, I've helped organize hospital and outreach data of over 6,500 people to a format that can actually allow us to better the health of Sagalla. I can tell you how many children had diarrhea within the last 6 months or how many pit latrines are missing by village.
A year ago, I was jobless, unmotivated, and frightened.
I don't want to be that person again, motivated by fears rather than working to actively fight them.
I know I'm useful here (fear 1), I know I'm strong (fear 2), I have no reason to doubt my own integrity (fear 3), and I'm coming to terms with the fact that even if I am not the same person who walked up the homeless in DC and gave them sandwiches, that I still desire to help people even if I don't feel the same way (fear 4).
So now it's just fear 5, transitions.
I have no idea where I'll be on April 4th, 2013, exactly a year after I was granted direction by the US Government, but challenges are fact, not fancies of fate, and I'll accept whatever comes, and stop letting this fear take me over.
I spent four months there in transition from the last three years spent in American University, studying International Relations, developing leadership and community engagement abilities through working the Muslim Student Association and American University House and Dining Programs.
I was horrified I think, for lack of more fancy terms, of the future ahead.
It wasn't an issue of masculinity, potency, or even wonder about what I actually what I wanted to do.
It was the fear of the transition.
I always feared transition, I put it as number 5 within my top fears of
1. Feeling useless
2. Being weak
3. Losing integrity
4. Losing a sense of compassion
5. Transitions
I waited exactly 16 months to leave for the Peace Corps, but back then in January 11, 2012, I would have to wait two months and 24 days to even find out that I was assigned to Kenya. That was the day, April 4th, 2012, that I finished my Firefighter Level 1 exam, the month before being sent reading over a 1000 pages and countless hours on the field because the month after I came back from Bangladesh, I stepped into the Monmouth Junction Fire Department and said I wanted to sign up (fear number 2)
I found out a few days ago that there might be the possibility of violence March in Kenya because of the elections. Without violating anything security wise, I'll tell you that in 2007, when there were elections in 2007, tribal violence wrecked the country, and more selfishly, Peace Corps Kenya was evacuated.
Rather than wondering about the state of Kenya, where people will most probably lose their lives (shaming me right now, fear number 4), I'm thinking about fear number 5, transitions.
I don't know if I love Kenya, but I love doing work here, I love being effective.
I helped motivate a group of over 76 people to desilt a dam, I taught over 546 people water sanitation, I've helped organize hospital and outreach data of over 6,500 people to a format that can actually allow us to better the health of Sagalla. I can tell you how many children had diarrhea within the last 6 months or how many pit latrines are missing by village.
A year ago, I was jobless, unmotivated, and frightened.
I don't want to be that person again, motivated by fears rather than working to actively fight them.
I know I'm useful here (fear 1), I know I'm strong (fear 2), I have no reason to doubt my own integrity (fear 3), and I'm coming to terms with the fact that even if I am not the same person who walked up the homeless in DC and gave them sandwiches, that I still desire to help people even if I don't feel the same way (fear 4).
So now it's just fear 5, transitions.
I have no idea where I'll be on April 4th, 2013, exactly a year after I was granted direction by the US Government, but challenges are fact, not fancies of fate, and I'll accept whatever comes, and stop letting this fear take me over.
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