Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Let's not be Sukuma Wiki

       In one week I'll be sworn in as a volunteer, and I've been selected with the most intelligent woman in our training group to write and deliver a speech for our swearing in speech (she'll deliver the English version in Kiswahili). It is an honor I do not deserve, but will undertake with the utmost sincerity. 
       It's funny, it's like every new transition in life seems to be toughest thing you've ever done. Whether it was graduating high school and trying to get into a dream school, finishing that 20 page paper the night before, playing that game that you hate when you count how many days it takes to get a reply from a job posting, or wondering if the Peace Corps will finally accept you as good enough to join.
          So now, this new big hurdle is heading off to Sagalla, next is learning to integrate within my community, the one after that is trying to actually learn enough to feel useful within my work. And after that... Sukuma wiki (stretch the week)?

Friends, why does everything seem to be a hurdle? I can take the high road and say "But of course, I can just breathe and be happy", but that's not always realistic. But neither is thinking every step is a hurdle. There must be a goal in being content with the nature of our purpose, a path we willingly seek and follow. Here is a question.

What are your dreams?

          When you think about that, is it scary for you too? How about trying to figure out how to actualize them? We've been told for so long in our adult lives that dreams are for the unrealistic. But I've been so used to saying "what's the point" about my dreams, that it scares me how little of a purpose I've had. I hope, and if you're reading this, I implore that if you feel the same way, that it's okay for you to dream. Without them, how do we move forward day to day? Let's figure them out together. Bit by bit.  

As for why I mention this. It's because my father gave me good advice the other day, he told me 
"First off, you have to believe that you are good enough"


 And he's right, I do, and I think you should believe in yourself too.

I think it started for me, that first time in high school, when I got my first F in an AP Bio test, and got a set of consecutive C+s in a math class, that I mentally consigned myself to being okay being stupid.
But I think there is a difference between being okay with myself, and believing that I'm okay thinking I'm not good enough.

Hillary Clinton mentioned that the US Government must use "smart power", which is a combination of "real" military might and "soft" diplomacy. But really, it sounds like we are just using the carrot and the stick method.
The Peace Corps is so much more than that I've noticed. It's about development that acknowledges culture and sends people to be part anthropologist, part teacher. We aren't representations of ideals or smart power, we are promoters of "intelligent empowerment".





And I will work hard enough to embody that.
                                  

      My dreams...my dreams are to willingly understand a community and, without imposing myself, do as much as possible to try to meet those needs as a volunteer. My desire is not to be burnt out doing so, and I believe training as made me aware of how important it was for me to do things for myself that keep me real. My aspiration is that I hope I can trust people. I somehow lost a lot of that trust in the last year, as I look at my green multitool that was a gift from someone I cared about, I blame a lot of it on myself not being able to figure how to make myself happy without relying on others. So perhaps my first step is figuring out that previous thought? I don't know, it is, and I am, a work in progress. 

My long term goal, though it's susceptible to change at any moment, is to go to grad school for policy and development. And this is where my Dad's advice is relevant, I'm going to shoot for Princeton. That's a 780 for the math, a 720 for the critical, and a 5 or higher for the essay on the GRE. I know that is a lofty, really hard goal, especially for the Woodrow Wilson School for Public Affairs, but it's a goal I can prepare for, even with my life being here for two years God willing, I can prepare and try to aim higher.
Because I am good enough, and will continue to live a dream worth living.



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